I never believed there would come a time in my life where I would have no more words to say. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not usually at a loss for words. Those closest to me say I am stubborn. But, today I feel I have reached a place where I could never had imagined… silence.
Those of you that might have found my blog and followed it may have noticed that there is a common theme… survival in a difficult relationship! This has consumed me for the most part of the past 20 years. The ebbs and flows of my marriage has taken me to highs and lows I never knew existed. Many might not want to share on such an intimate level; but that is not me. I have a need to share. I have a need to get my experiences on paper if nothing more than to get them out of my heart. But, I feel that it is divine intervention that wants me to share my story so that someone else out there might know that he or she is not alone. For it is isolation that I fear the most. How would I have survived to this point if I could not have reached out to my friends, to the vast world of media where one can find overwhelm but also solace, to the little family I still have.
There is a sadness that takes over when one realizes they have lost something or someone they love. In relationships gone bad, first there is often anger. The anger keeps one in the game. The anger is fuel for the fight to resolve the differences, make the changes, reach the goals. But, when it becomes obvious that one is on this journey alone, the sun sets on your hopes and dreams. Then, this partnership is no longer a partnership and instead is a war!
Those of you living in marriages where you love your spouse with all of your heart but feel like you can no longer live with your spouse can identify with my story. The person on the other side of the table is no longer someone you know. You look into their eyes and you can no longer see this person you so badly want to see. You feel the change. It is as if they are slipping away and you can do nothing to hold on to them.
There are many variations of this story I am sure. Why the war begins can have many flavors. In my case, it was an issue with trust. I value trust and honesty above all else and no matter how hard I try, I must have this in my relationships. Things can happen in life to cause a person to break these values. Money is often a culprit. Money truly can be “the roots to all evil” and in my life, I have shed many tears over loved ones caught up in this cycle. First a sibling, now a spouse.
First, we must go inward and examine our own behaviors. Are we contributing to the war with our own coping mechanisms? Then, we must be honest with our partner about how their behaviors affect us. They get to chose whether or not to listen. They get to chose whether or not to care. Ultimately, they get to chose whether or not to change.
In my experience, it takes two to tango in a troubled relationship. One can find articles that say otherwise, but in my own 23 year trial that is my marriage, I find that ultimately both partners have to let go of their old behaviors and pattens or success is unlikely. There is the “tiger” and the “turtle” analogy common in many relationships. If the turtle does not totally get rid of his/her shell and the tiger get declawed can it ever work?
So, I circle back to where I started. The sun is setting on my hopes and dreams for the happy ending on this one. I accept this sadness in my heart knowing that I have lost something I can never get back. As in the circadian cycle of the day, the sun shall rise tomorrow. I want to believe that I will feel joy in my heart again. I want to believe that my heart will once again soar with excitement about the possibilities, but for now the sun is setting. The night can be very, very long. The darkness cannot be ignored nor can it be lifted. Acceptance of where one is in life is inevitable.
CajunMama 