Do it now!

 

Strike while the Iron is Hot!

As an organizer, I usually coach my clients to focus, focus, focus and avoid distractions.

This is certainly the case when it comes to routines but if you have fallen behind on keeping order of your chaos, then I suggest that you do “strike when the iron is hot” and do things when you feel up to the task.

What prompted me to write this post is a story in itself. I was beginning a small kitchen facelift. Appliances were arriving at my house the next day. It was December and while there were still remnants of Halloween found around my house, quite unintentionally, Christmas decorations were too. To top it off, I had a contractor in my kitchen drilling away. In the midst of this unavoidable chaos, he needed access to my breaker box. Oh no!

I immediately recalled all of the items that I had thrown in my all-too-small “coat” closet (items that were obviously NOT coats) when I was too exhausted to deal with all of the loose items my kids had left hanging in our entry hall. I had let my need for organization go when I was on a deadline hosting my daughter’s Sweet 16 Birthday Party. Now it was time to literally face the dragons in my closet! I had to ask the electrician to give me a 5 minute head start to clear a path to the back of the closet. How embarrassing!

I grabbed one of those huge Costco bags and just pulled everything out and filled it to the brim.

Ice skates, roller skates, scarves, hats, hiking boots 3 sizes too small. Does it ever stop? I organize and it works for a while but then there comes that day when we are rushing out the door to go for a hike and everyone shuffles through looking for their “whatever” and leaves the heap behind.

Like all clutter, it takes on a life of its own! I believe that no one truly likes disorganization, it shuts everyone down to a certain extent. So, the new norm is to open the door with ones eyes closed and throw it in. This monster on the closet floor grows and grows and since it is behind a closed door, it might survive for a few months. But, on this day I was reminded that overwhelm is a given and the only way to not let it get the best of you is to tackle it on those days when you feel the urge! So,

STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT!

On that day, for whatever reason, I felt a bit happier than usual It is winter so some days I can be as gloomy as the weather. I have learned to accept that and roll with it. But on that particular day, maybe because somewhere deep inside my soul there is excitement about the long overdue progress in my kitchen, I felt that there was “no better time than the present “ to take control of my coat closet. I was on a mission to take it back from the clutter monster! So, I dove in.

As with any and all such de-cluttering/organizing projects, I first thought about how I could best organize this space so that my growing family could easily access their “toys” without allowing the monster back into my world. I always start with some sort of a plan. I “think” this plan through well before implementing. This thinking can be done while I am waiting in traffic, while I am on hold on the telephone, while I am soaking in the bath. How is that for “multi-tasking?” Once I start the implementing, I have already gone through a lot of the clutter in my head.

Here is the process:

• First, quickly access which items are no longer useful and can become someone else’s treasure.

• Next, think through what items will remain and how they could be most efficiently stored. Again, this step can be done in your head. Set up a phone consultation or email me if you need ideas!

My fairly small closet project would yield a great sense of contentment and even joy the next time I went to get my gloves. Some organization has already been put in place in this closet. A few months ago I added one of my favorite organizing tools, an over-the-door shoe organizer that I use for items like gloves, scarves, knit caps, and on the bottom row, the dog leashes!

A year or so ago I had my DH add a shelf over the hanging rod and placed labeled containers for caps (baseball caps) and a container for our baseball paraphernalia – we are SF Giants fans! So, over the past year I have taken some baby steps to identify PLACES for particular items. So, this pass was not too much of a daunting task and each time I do one of these little “catch up” sessions, I add another layer of organization. My goal on that particular day was to get some sort of boot/skate organizer since we keep our ice skates, roller skates, and hiking shoes in this space.

So, REMEMBER… first you can think through your task. In my case, this took maybe 20 minutes. Then I allowed myself the indulgence of letting all my other projects for the day go so that I could attack this project while I had the motivation to do so. If I find that I cannot get to it right this second, then I will leave it out and have it be something I do first thing in the morning- maybe rising an hour early to tackle it. I find that this is one of the most efficient ways of making progress toward a less chaotic existence.

Key concepts:

• Break the overwhelming tasks down into Baby Steps!

• Let other things go for the short-term to make progress

• Strike while the Iron is Hot meaning, jump in and just do it if you have the urge

Until next Tuesday, Happy Organizing!

Time to check in on those New Year’s Resolutions!

Today is January 22- about the time that all of us are running out of fuel on those exciting New Year’s Resolutions?

Well, maybe some of you are still going strong. If so, congratulations! Then you do need to waste your time reading any further! However, most of us are constantly operating on overload. Like never before, demands on our time are at an all time high. Let’s face it, we are so busy that we cannot even pick up the phone and call a friend. Face-to-face contact has been replaced by emojis.

In today’s environment, it is easier than ever before to let self-discipline go! Imagine 40 years ago. It was not possible to stay up until the wee hours watching television because at midnight it was out of your control. Those of you my age will remember the routine. First came the sound of the National Anthem then, like Darth Vader in the shadows, the all too familiar recording, “we have now reached the end of our regularly scheduled broadcast. Beeeeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeeeep.” For those like myself, too hard headed to believe I was being denied the further pleasure of escaping into the realm of cinematography, I would sit there staring at the screen until it went blank. For any reader too young to follow me, television broadcast ended at midnight! That seems unimaginable in today’s world.

In 2019, we are bombarded all day with emails, junk mail, texts, tweets, and we still have the old fashioned snail mail with which we are still obligated to manage. There is recycling, upcycling, and freecycling! There are males, females, and undecided. We can entertain (and distract) ourselves 24-hrs a day with Netflix, Hulu, Sling, Amazon, and the list goes on and on. Suffice it to say, that we live in a very complicated world and avoiding distraction often seems impossible.

I struggle with this myself! The reason I started this BLOG was to help others, if possible, with the same things that I struggle with daily. So, know that if this is you, you are not alone. I was born with a need for order- this does not mean that I live in an orderly fashion… I just NEED it! I am happier when I am “operating on all cylinders” so I have spent years and years studying practices that get me as close to a peaceful existence as possible. Every January, I feel I have a new start. A new chance to reach my goals.

What is it about New Year’s and New Year’s resolutions? I took a minute to look up the history of New Year’s resolutions (https://www.history.com/news/the-history-of-new-years-resolutions). It is believed to go back to ancient times when the Babylonians made promises to the gods to pay their debt and return any objects they had borrowed. If they kept their resolutions, the gods would bestow good fortune on them. Regardless of the origin, many of us feel renewed with the arrival of the new year, so let’s use that positive energy.

I always like to break things down into simple solutions, or baby steps. I am firmly convinced that this is how we can be successful in developing good habits and breaking unproductive ones. So, by keeping it simple, you are more likely to be able to stick to your resolution. Then you can continue to build on this one habit and habit-by-habit, you can begin to get control back in your life. The key to succeeding is OBTAINABLE goals. It is like stretching a muscle. One does not want to “pull” the muscle by over stretching. Small intervals of consistent stretching with many repetitions is most effective in building strong, healthy muscles.

For example, let’s say that you want to lose weight… which is probably one of the most popular resolutions of all time. Break it down! Do your homework! Know how much weight you want to lose. Know how much weight you should lose. If you are 5’7 and 113 lbs your problem may not be your weight! Know your body type and the know about your current health. For example, are you diabetic, pre-diabetic, pre-menopausal, post-menopausal? If you have an issue with hormonal shifts, what you do to lose weight will be very different than if you are simply “stress” eating but are 35 years old and healthy. So, take the time to do the homework and make a plan. Then, choose one step towards your desired end result and implement it. For example, let’s say you are like me- mid 50’s, post-menopausal, pre-diabetic, joint pain from hormonal shifts. I know that I can get the most benefit out of walking at least 3 times per week. So, focus on that ONE thing until it has become part of your routine! It seems so simple, but it works.

SIMPLE TIP: FOCUS ON ONE THING until it has become a habit. This is the best predictor of success! Then, slowly add another, and another until you get where you want to be!

P.S. There are tons of tools available to help you with this approach. Learn which tools works best for you. Here are a few to consider:

• • Work with an accountability partner -this can be a friend, a spouse, or a coach like myself.

  • Free Apps such as Summit

  • Checklist

Goodbye Christmas 2018!

Happy New Year to all of you out there!  I cannot believe another year has come and gone.  Before discussing those New Year resolutions, I though I might throw out a few ideas if any of you, like myself, find you still have some Christmas decorations up.  It has been rainy here in Northern California, so at least I have an excuse… but to be fair, that is not the reason.

We started a mostly DIY Kitchen update a few days after Christmas, so my house looks like Grand Central Station.  New appliances, patches of paint all over the walls, and lots of “stuff” coming in while Christmas is still trying to go out!

That said, here are some clever ideas to either implement this year, if you still see Santa Ho-Ho-Hoing around your house.  If not, I will most likely repost them next December.

A few years ago, I had a dear friend visit us during the Holiday season.  She was very surprised at the extent to which I transformed my home with Christmas decorations everywhere.  She asked how I did this.  Since then, every year, I wonder if other folks might also enjoy this simple idea.  I like to keep everything as simple and organized as possible because one of my greatest aggrivations in life is looking for something.  To me, time spent looking for something is totally wasted and unnecessary.  Oh, believe me, with 5 people in our household, I still look for items but I try my darnedest to minimize this when I can.

So, here is my tip of the week.  It is actually more than one tip but they all involve Christmas, or for that matter any holiday, decor.

Put you day-to-day items away in the boxes you store your Christmas decorations in during the season!

We have book shelves in our Living Room that are normally populated with special books and family photos.  During Christmas season I use the shelves to display our Christmas items such as:  our manger, a snow globe collection my son started many years ago, and special Christmas artwork from our children through the years.  I also remove many of the photos and replace them with Christmas photos through the years and Christmas books.  Even though our children are all Teens now, I still display their childhood favorites and we all have fun being four again as we read them together.  By putting all of my ordinary photos, books, and nicknacks in the Christmas storage bins and putting them away either in the attic, basement, or upper shelf of an unused closet, we can really transform our home.  We do the same thing with the Christmas dishes and cups we have collected.  Our everyday dishes and cups get packed away into a bin that contains our Christmas dishes 11 months of the year.  This year, I am going to use a difficult to access blind corner cabinets to store my Christmas dishes.  We have no attic so this will conserve basement space.  As part of my kitchen update, I gained the use of my linen closet back- which had been my pantry.  Now, I will be able to keep my fun Christmas hand towels on a high shelf of my linen closet easy to access next year.

No matter what you do, get in the habit of keeping a “where things are” list.  It can be a virtual list on your computer or a hand written page in the back of your calendar.  This list should be where you record where you put those special things that you don’t use everyday… your Christmas treasures should surely be one of the things on your list.  As a backup, I put a large note in the box with my Christmas ornaments that lists where I put all of my Christmas paraphernalia for example: “Christmas 2018- Tablecloth & hand towels in linen closet.”

Next Tuesday, we will talk about some simple and easy ways to keep those New Year’s resolutions.

Something more to say!

Well, I am back on the wagon again.  Those of you that have followed me might have read my last post… just a little over a year ago.  I write what I am feeling, as I am feeling it and ironically that post was entitled: “When there are no more words to say.”  I went silent for a year.  It was a year in which I continued to learn about myself.  I continued to learn about my relationships.  I tried to say less and do more.  But, it has been way too long since my last post and believe me, now I have lots to say.  Sorry to anyone out there that might have enjoyed my banter and felt abandoned.  But, I am back!

I started this blog for many reasons.  The first being, I love to write and I love to tell stories.  I stay pretty fascinated with the ups and downs of life and I found that it brought me much comfort to share my stories with anyone in the great “out there” who might find them interesting, encouraging, or even funny.  After all, laughter IS the best medicine.  The old saying is, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  That is the philosophy I have tried to follow.  I have barrels of lemonade here folks!

So, if you have been a follower, welcome back.  Please stay tuned for more frequent doses of the CajunMama! For anyone new, I welcome you to read some of my past post and if you like, join me for more.  Your feedback and comments are always appreciated.

It has been a busy year.  With three kids, two of which are teens, how could it not be.  In the past year I have acquired two new drivers in my household… and all of the stress and anxiety, and of course excitement, that comes along with that milestone.

I have written a lot about sadness and depression, as I believe that I am a survivor of those two plagues- and therefore consider myself fortunate.  Managing to survive these two demons, without the aid of pharmaceuticals, was an achievement! So, if you are battling this issue, do not give up.  This is a race that can be won!

Do I still get depressed?  Absolutely!  But, I am learning to recognize the early warning signs and I have finally learned to implement the tools that work for me to feel better.

So, this may be a great start to reinitiating my blog… by throwing out a few lifesaving techniques that worked for me to overcome my depression.  Who knows, maybe it might benefit someone that happens to stumble across this blog.  That would make me happy!

Of course, none of my recovery process would have been possible without the support of an amazing counselor that understands depression.  My depression was situational, not due to a chemical imbalance, so I was fortunate.

There are many things that helped me to “get out from under the fog” so to speak but the key one was a CHANGE OF SCENE.  Being a homeschooling, stay-at-home mother, many days I get stuck in a rut and don’t leave my kitchen!  With a busy household it is easy to get swept up in everyone else’s agenda and lose yourself.  I continue to struggle with this. However, remembering to get outside- even if it is just to sit and feel the breeze for a few minutes, always helps!  Another favorite pick-me-up is Music.

Our family is a musical family.  We all play instruments.  But, this is not often appealing to me when I am feeling down.  I play piano and have been learning drums, but that is not my cure.  It is cranking up the stereo, or my Alexa, with one of my favorite artist.  I am a country fan, so often it is Willie Nelson.  Or, sometimes I go the Barbara Streisand route because I find her voice heavenly.  Often I have to try a few different artist until the artist matches my mood… but soon I will find myself dancing rather than dragging. It only takes a little “tweek” sometimes to snap ourselves out of the downward slide.

The other thing I have improved at over the past year is learning what things to avoid.  Those of you that might know me better might have noticed I dropped off of Facebook.  Sorry folks, it was too overwhelming and I have too much to do.  I still find it a useful toy for long lines at Disneyland, but otherwise, I try not to indulge.  Life is not perfect and often on facebook it makes it seem that it should be.  Watch out, TV can give one the same illusion.

Nature.  What more can I say.  Nature!  I am lucky to live in California where the sun shines 99% of the time so I try to hit the hills.  A neighborhood walk just doesn’t do it for me because all I do is think more about the things that are most likely causing my depression.  I have to get myself in a setting that distracts from those thought.  So, I go to the hills or to the water.  This is not easy folks, but with intentionality, it can be done.

Then, bottom line, try to figure out what aspects of your life are causing your sadness and/or depression and think about what YOU can do to improve these areas.  There is a lot more to be said about this but that would be pages and pages- and too much for here and now.  But, simply said, you cannot change anyone but yourself.  I am sure that like me, many of you struggle in relationships.  This may be the source of your sadness.  It took me the past year to really GET what my counselor was saying to me- every visit.  No matter how another person may treat you, whether it is right or it is wrong, you cannot do anything about their behavior.  Trying to change them will only cause you anger and frustration.  You can only change your own behavior.  This is a hard concept to grasp.  I am not 100% at it yet… but, I am getting pretty good at noticing when I am letting someone else’s behavior bring out the worst in me.  With this skill, my anger and frustration level went down because I felt less powerless.  Like Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

Most important, find yourself a support network.  Isolation and loneliness can strike in the middle of a crowd.  If you know what I mean by that, know that you are not alone and there are others out there that understand.  Find friends you can reach out to or even just visit this post and comment if you need to feel heard.  There are tons and tons of resources and we are lucky to live in a time where there is so much information at our fingertips.

So, this is what I have been learning about this past year!  Oh, there are many more stories to tell ya’ll, but you will just have to tune back in for more CajunMama tomorrow.

 

When there are no more words to say…

I never believed there would come a time in my life where I would have no more words to say.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not usually at a loss for words.  Those closest to me say I am stubborn.  But, today I feel I have reached a place where I could never had imagined… silence.

Those of you that might have found my blog and followed it may have noticed that there is a common theme… survival in a difficult relationship!  This has consumed me for the most part of the past 20 years.  The ebbs and flows of my marriage has taken me to highs and lows I never knew existed.  Many might not want to share on such an intimate level; but that is not me.  I have a need to share.  I have a need to get my experiences on paper if nothing more than to get them out of my heart.  But, I feel that it is divine intervention that wants me to share my story so that someone else out there might know that he or she is not alone.  For it is isolation that I fear the most.  How would I have survived to this point if I could not have reached out to my friends, to the vast world of media where one can find overwhelm but also solace, to the little family I still have.

There is a sadness that takes over when one realizes they have lost something or someone they love.  In relationships gone bad, first there is often anger.  The anger keeps one in the game.  The anger is fuel for the fight to resolve the differences, make the changes, reach the goals.  But, when it becomes obvious that one is on this journey alone, the sun sets on your hopes and dreams.  Then, this partnership is no longer a partnership and instead is a war!

Those of you living in marriages where you love your spouse with all of your heart but feel like you can no longer live with your spouse can identify with my story.  The person on the other side of the table is no longer someone you know.  You look into their eyes and you can no longer see this person you so badly want to see.  You feel the change.  It is as if they are slipping away and you can do nothing to hold on to them.

There are many variations of this story I am sure.  Why the war begins can have many flavors.  In my case, it was an issue with trust.  I value trust and honesty above all else and no matter how hard I try, I must have this in my relationships.  Things can happen in life to cause a person to break these values.  Money is often a culprit.  Money truly can be “the roots to all evil” and in my life, I have shed many tears over loved ones caught up in this cycle.  First a sibling, now a spouse.

First, we must go inward and examine our own behaviors.  Are we contributing to the war with our own coping mechanisms?  Then, we must be honest with our partner about how their behaviors affect us.  They get to chose whether or not to listen.  They get to chose whether or not to care.  Ultimately, they get to chose whether or not to change.

In my experience, it takes two to tango in a troubled relationship.  One can find articles that say otherwise, but in my own 23 year trial that is my marriage, I find that ultimately both partners have to let go of their old behaviors and pattens or success is unlikely.  There is the “tiger” and the “turtle” analogy common in many relationships.  If the turtle does not totally get rid of his/her shell and the tiger get declawed can it ever work?

So, I circle back to where I started.  The sun is setting on my hopes and dreams for the happy ending on this one.  I accept this sadness in my heart knowing that I have lost something I can never get back.  As in the circadian cycle of the day, the sun shall rise tomorrow.  I want to believe that I will feel joy in my heart again.  I want to believe that my heart will once again soar with excitement about the possibilities, but for now the sun is setting.  The night can be very, very long.  The darkness cannot be ignored nor can it be lifted.  Acceptance of where one is in life is inevitable.

 

 

On August 28, 2017August 28, 2017 By cajunmamablogIn depression, divorce, encouragement, marriage, seperation, troubled marriage, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Where to begin, again…

Somedays, I just want to be my cat.  Curious but coy.  Playful but peaceful.  Sleepy? Then sleep!  It is as simple as that.  Oh, if only life were so simple!

It sometimes seems that just as one feels he or she has figured life out, then here comes the curve-ball!  This week has been that kind of a week for me.

My car broke down.  After 11 years of unwavering service to me and my tribe, my poor little car with 160,000 miles decided it had had enough. I could not expect it to service me forever, but NOW?

My husband and I have been trying to live on a cash only basis for the last two years (or more).  I kid you not, every time we seem to finally stash some cash away for an emergency fund, we have an almost immediate emergency that costs us more than we have put aside.  Enough already FATE!

This past summer, we were so proud to have stashed 1K into such fund only to have our car broken into on the way home from a camping trip. That little fiasco set us back 2K and a unfathomable amount of time and energy.  We are still trying to cover our “you-know-whats” from that misfortune.

Life just seems to throw more at you everyday.  How does one cope with an attitude of gratitude?  I am very thankful for my family, for my home, and for my health.  However, somedays I have to really work at that and I don’t want to get out of bed.

I spent the last two days overwhelmed with mechanics… trying to determine whether I gamble on my tried and true old car that has served me so well, or whether I try to get a younger one!  This reminds me of those that divorce and marry younger!  Either way, it is a gamble.  The value of the car and the repair are the equal.Decisions like this are simply not fun!

This comes in the midst of my midlife crisis!  Having homeschooled my three children for the past 16 years I have felt the slow financial decline that comes with being a one income family.  I am trying to contribute in some useful way.  I have been trying to also follow my passion for writing and wellness coaching by blogging and working on my business.  But, so many days I feel like I am on a seesaw.  Anyone remember seesaws at playgrounds?  Everyday is a balancing act and more often than not, I am off balance! The more I talk to others, I realize that I am not alone.  It seems as a society, there is more to keep up with than ever.  I feel angry and frustrated at having to organize and declutter over and over in addition to working on my business!  Anyone else out there share in my angst?

Five years ago we moved for what was the 11th time in 10 years.  We moved with three kids and a dog in tow.  I felt I could not unpack boxes and organize yet one more time. My youngest was 6 at the time.  But, I managed to do it.  I found flylady.org and approaching the task with baby steps saved me… although, I usually did more than the suggested 15 minute limit on a task.  I would dive in!  But, I did take the one room at a time approach.  But, the key was to maintain before you gain.  Maintain the spaces that had already been unpacked and organized first, then add to it.  But, now- here I am 5 years later- feeling like I am having to dive back in and do this again.

With two teens now, we seem to “blow and go” through our week.  Having my three kids around all day means that things are constant- never stopping.  I have tried to implement checklists and charts and they all work, for a season.  So now, after a really tough year of personal challenges, I find myself underneath what feels like a pile of rubble… which is my house!  I must embark on the adventure of getting my house back in order, one baby-step at a time while simultaneously keeping my own endeavors afloat.

How does one start over again?  One baby step at a time with a cat’s philosophy in mind! Never let anyone know that you feel defeated.  Always be proud.  Always walk with grace and hold your head up high, pounce on opportunities… and, always stop to enjoy a good nap!

 

 

 

 

The sun will come up…

Some days are tougher than others, right.  As I sit here writing and trying to be encouraging, I find I simply don’t feel encouraged myself today.  It is one of those days where you want to be a kid again where someone will be there to take care of you.

All that comes to mind right now is the line from the wonderful production Annie: “Tomorrow.”  So, far today, all I can say is hang on to tomorrow!

Lyrics for “Tomorrow” from Annie:

The sun’ll come out                                                                                                                         Tomorrow                                                                                                                                                           Bet your bottom dollar                                                                                                                              That tomorrow                                                                                                                                             There’ll be sun!

Just thinkin’ about                                                                                                                              Tomorrow                                                                                                                                                       Clears away the cobwebs,                                                                                                                            And the sorrow                                                                                                                                                   Till there’s none!

When I’m stuck with a day                                                                                                                       That’s gray,                                                                                                                                                        And lonely,                                                                                                                                                              I just stick out my chin                                                                                                                                       And grin,                                                                                                                                                           And say,                                                                                                                                                                  Oh!

The sun’ll come out                                                                                                                             Tomorrow                                                                                                                                                              So you gotta hang on                                                                                                                                         ‘Til tomorrow                                                                                                                                               Come what may                                                                                                                               Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!                                                                                                                                                              I love ya’ Tomorrow                                                                                                                                     You’re always                                                                                                                                                        A Day                                                                                                                                                                  Away!

Maybe looking forward to tomorrow is the only way to get through today!

 

Friendships that are forever!

I called a friend last night for his Birthday.  We live 2000 miles apart but I never forget his Birthday.  I called him, out of the blue, because that is the kind of friendship we have.  I knew it was okay.  Whenever we talk, it is as if we were still neighbors.

We are both Aquarians and we share having been neighbors in New Orleans.  Both of us young and single at the time.  Both of us new to New Orleans.  He is one of a small circle of very special people that I have met in life that I will always think fondly of, with whom I will always have a connection.  Never romantically involved, we always enjoyed each other’s company and to this day, he makes me laugh.  The world is a better place because of people like this!

Trying to catch up with him, I had to dust the cobwebs off of my contacts list.  Sad but true.  First, I searched Facebook- but there were no matches.  Then I searched the Web.  No luck again.  Finally I realized, that however many cell phones ago we last spoke, his address and home number were in my contacts list.  I was the one always moving.  Luckily, he seems to stay in one place.  Even his wife and daughter’s name and birthdate were neatly noted on my contact!  Odd for 2017, not even a cell phone was recorded.  This contact having been made in the days before home phones were rendered obsolete!  So, not shy about reaching out to this person, I called the home number to be greeted by an answering machine with a generic voice.  I simply said, “I am trying to reach ‘John Doe'(names changed here to protect the innocent) please call me at ####.”   I did not even leave my name! Within 5 minutes my phone rang.

The voice on the other end was heartwarming.  The familiar voice of a true, blue friend always is, isn’t it?  Within a minute of our conversation, he had me laughing- which was always his way- telling me that since he was working for the FBI he didn’t have a cell phone.  Naive as I am, of course, I fall for it- almost simultaneously realizing that he is pulling my leg.  We fall back into the ease with which we always connect.

Sadly, much of life has happened since we last spoke.  We were neighbors only a little more than a year but we have been friends ever since- 30 years!  In that year we met, I had the good fortune of also meeting his Dad- another personality that was hard to forget.  His Dad had an amazing sense of humor and loved to tease.  Since I had been raised in a household where my Dady was a constant prankster, this type personality really resonated with me.  My friend’s Dad witnessed me running one day- as his son was chasing me for some reason I now cannot imagine.  Them being from Texas, and me from Southern Louisiana, his Dad started teasing me and referring to me as “that girl with the webbed feet” from that day forward.  The fact that I was always running around in bare feet gave credibility to the label!  His Dad was a fun and funny guy and I had the opportunity to see him again a few times through the years.

Only a few minutes into the conversation, we realized that it had been 5 years since we had last spoken.  In that time, my friend had lost both of his parents.  I had met his  parents on more than one occasion and was heartbroken by this news.  He had buried his mother on his Birthday 5 years ago.  They had tried to get in touch with me then, but did not have my current contact information.  His Dad had passed only two years ago.  I felt my heart sink as in that moment, I wanted to rewind the past 5 years.  I wanted to be a better friend.  I wanted the message his wife had left for me regarding his mother passing, to reach me.  I wanted to be there for my friend!  My condolences now were of little value.

It is hard to put into words the value of these kinds of friendships.  Maybe it is not the friendships, but rather, the connections.  They are not bound by distance nor time.  They age like fine wine without going sour.  As our conversation continued, I could hear the understanding in his voice.  He had lost track of me, I of him… but, somehow we knew that each other was still there.  Some things need constant work, constant attention- but these rare connections seem to be so deep, so rooted, that they survive regardless.

We caught each other up over the next hour.  HIs wife chiming in in the background occasionally and my husband anxious to hear the update afterwards.  There was much catching up to do and the hour passed quite quickly.  I sadly brought the conversation to a close out of respect for the fact the he was two hours ahead of my time zone and it was pretty late in Texas. We agreed to not let so much time pass again without touching base.  In the midst of all that is going on for me personally right now, I felt so contented in my soul for having picked up the phone and made this call.  Again, I wished him a Happy Birthday and could tell that the call had, in some small way, made a difference to his day.  I know that it made a difference to mine.

As I mentioned, I have a handful of friends that I know will ALWAYS be in my life.  One of them, I lost 12 years ago.  Danny Downs.  He died at the young age of only 50.  Again, 2000 miles away, we always stayed in touch with one another.  He had visited me and my family in California the summer before he passed.  I have photos of him holding my infant daughter at her baptism, never having married or had a family of his own.  A soul that passed through this world and touched so many others with his kind heart and endearing ways.  I know that he has gone on to a better place and I feel his presence in my heart.  Another Aquarian he would have celebrated another year on February 2nd.  I wish I could have called him too!

Friendships are the thread that hold life together for me.  Some are not meant to be long and lasting.  In fact, most are not.  Some are not the type that defy time or distance.  Most are not.  But, those few that are… are true blessings in a storm.

My best friend is also 2000 miles away.  She called me up two years ago and asked me to be her Matron of Honor at her Wedding.  I remember crying because at the age of 52, I had only been the Matron of Honor for my sister’s small wedding when I was 12.  I remember asking her, why me?  Far away from each other for decades, we have always stayed in touch.  But, I knew she had so many friends from all the various walks in her life.  Again, the connection there is so deep that words cannot describe.  Oddly, she is another Aquarian.  February 4th.   Is it our zodiacs that bring us together or does God brings these people unto your path?  Does it really matter?  What matters is that one realize the value in these friendships for the amazing blessings that they are- before it is too late!

So, if you have a special friend in your life- and I hope that everyone does- pick up the phone and call them today.  Bring a smile to their face, and your own!  If you don’t have a friend like this, look around- for that person may be right in front of you if you open up your heart to the connection.  For all we have is today, tomorrow is not guaranteed!

 

 

Rage, Anger, and Love

If you are following my post, you will see more about these three emotions as I am currently spending the majority of my days refereeing between the three of them!  They are all trying to coexist inside of me and finding it a wee bit crowded in my heart. But, yes- they can all exist within the same space.

Again, if you are following this post, you will learn more of my story.  It is a very long story but the main theme is rage, anger, and love… for these can be very consuming emotions.  Without going into the whole story at this junction, suffice it to say that I – like so many people I am sure- have been hurt very badly by people that I trusted and loved.  Through much counseling, I have recognized that this started in my childhood by well-meaning yet emotionally dysfunctional parents.  Well, join the crowd right.  I think lots of parents of the 50’s and 60’s functioned in a similar fashion.  Mine were not much different with the exception that my mother especially was emotionally unavailable suffering most of her life from her own traumas.  She did the best that she could with what she had but I certainly felt the effects.

Fast forward 50 years and now I am married to an individual that struggles with expressing emotions and connection.  An individual very much like my mother.  Oh no, did I marry my mother?  Well, like so many others out there, yes- I did.   Research Imago if you are not familiar with it.  This phenomenon is the basis of that type therapy.

So, over the last decade I have had an internal wave of sorts.  One minute being so angry with the behaviors of my spouse that I would go into a rage- the other minute, feeling madly in love with him.  Maddening!  It took me years to build up to this point and when it happened, I felt lost.  I felt like I was out of control.  I felt like I did not know myself.  I felt horrible!

Counseling was not really even an option- it was all that kept us together.  It sort of had to come off the top of the budget like food or rent because without it,  we would definitely not be together today.  Through counseling I was introduced to the term the “rage monster!”  Well, as horrible as it may sound, that was me!  Rest assured if you yourself feel like a Jekyll & Hyde at times, you are not alone.

The most horrible part of this whole situation is that I have always thought of myself as a loving and caring individual.  I would never hurt anyone and would give the shirt off of my bad- so to speak.  So, when this anger and rage welled up inside of me and this person standing across from me was the object of my anger, I absolutely felt crazy.  It was a constant struggle between lashing out to “make it stop” or running away.  Rest assured, I NEVER thought it would get any better but, it has.

The reason I though it could not get better is that the person that I was dealing with was, like my mother, emotionally disconnected… at least, that is how I experience him.  Although he was going to counseling too, it seemed to me that nothing was happening.  This person had broken my trust and had hurt me in many ways and I could not tolerate it any more; however, I could not leave.  If I left, I would come back.  I would get upset with myself but often when I left the pain was just as bad, or worse.  Even my children would tell me (because I would drag them with me never wanting to leave them behind)…”Mommy, why are we leaving… you know you are just going to turn around and go back!” Talk about feeling like a total failure!

So, now I see it clearly.  For many YEARS I was not aware how much I loved this person.  Because of all my hurt and anger, I thought I did not love him anymore.  I thought that these three emotions could not co-exist.  Now I know differently!  They do.  I loved him very much and that love would not let me walk away.  That love, in my opinion, was a gift from God.  It forced me to deal with my issues or allow myself to die inside.

Yes, I have issues- as we all do.  I needed to learn about boundaries.  My own boundaries around myself and setting boundaries with others.  My spouse had crossed many boundaries and I had allowed it- unaware.   Lucky for me, I have such a passion for life that I had to fight and not sink into submission.  I had to tame the anger and rage to allow the love to heal- if it was to heal.

Don’t think this was an overnight transition.  I am in the midst of it right now.  But, I will say that I am coming to understand and believe so much more in the miracle of life and in the mind, body, spirit connection that it sends chills up my spine.  Once I figured out what I could do to take care of myself, and started doing some of it, the transformation began.  If any of this is resonating with you, hang in there!  Believe me, I thought my life was done.  I saw such little hope for my marriage and my family.  But, as the saying goes, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!”  I did not understand that until now.

So, yes… anger, rage, and love can definitely co-exist but if not put in their place, I suspect that the love would eventually lose out.  Perhaps this is why the divorce rate is so very high?  I don’t know where I will be in a year, or even two.  But, for now, I am trying to use that anger and rage as my body’s signals that I need to give myself some attention.  It seems when I can hear that and listen to it, I am able to be more loving towards my spouse as he works on becoming a more transparent and trustworthy person.

Not everyone is as lucky as I am.  My spouse is trying to work on “his stuff!”  So, our marriage has a chance.

 

 

 

 

Midlife- is it a crisis?

I turned 54 a week and a day ago.  50 was bad for me, but now- I am settling into this “50” thing which at first, seemed like a bad dream.

I am a woman, so those of you reading this post that are not, may find this something you cannot relate to- or, you may find it insightful into understanding some of the women in your life!  For years leading up to this decade of my life, I hated the term “perimenopausal!” Since I had three children between the ages of 37 and 42, I heard this term way too much in my doctor’s offices.  Somehow, I could not imagine myself aging.  I felt so full of life at that age.  Starting a family at 37 can sort of start the meter late!  Having toddlers in my early 40’s, I was so busy that age seemed to be the last thing I thought about. That said, it seemed like overnight my toddlers turned into teens and I was staring 50 in the face- wondering what had happened.  Still, however, I avoided any discussion about “transitions” that my body may be making.  I was truly in denial.

Then- almost as quickly as I had become a mother- reality set in and I realized that menopause started in my heart first!  It started with my emotions.  It had, in fact, started very slowly but it ramped up pretty fast.  Going into these year with me was my husband and three children, and all of their baggage… as well as mine.  Well, let me tell you folks- all of the dirty laundry in your life can really start to stink when you find yourself on the top of the hill looking down- if you know what I mean!

My husband and I will celebrate 24 years of marriage in 2017.  He is truly the love of my life- even though I never realized that as much as I do now, as we try to hold on to our relationship.  Had neither of us come into this union with so much baggage, perhaps our 24 years could have been less stormy, but that was not to be.  We could be a classic case study in a textbook about relationships and the necessity to heal your childhood wounds.  The “cliff note” version of this:  If you do not heal your childhood wounds, most likely your spouse will trigger them and you will be unhappy.  But, I digress!

So, take two people who love each other, have a ton of baggage from their past, and toss them together.  Give them each a slightly different dream in life.  Make them a bit stubborn – or “determined” if you will- and throw in some controlling behaviors.  Now lets add in a few of life’s best challenges- the death of parents, the birth of three children, a few medical  crises, career changes, the sale and purchase of five houses, and ten plus moves… and the best of all- financial strain, since they decide to live on a single income and homeschool their children.  Now, make them truly and passionately attracted to, and in love with, one another.  You have got yourself a pretty good challenge here!

Then, do toss in harmones!  Yes, folks- it happens to the best of us!  My story started out with sleepless nights… for no apparent reason!  Miserable!!  Then, very subtly over two years we eased into the daintiest and mildest of “warm flushes” that progressed into not “hot flashes” but certainly “warm episodes!”  Whatever one chooses to call them, one feels them and is certainly bothered by them.  So, if you are here- at this phase- and you have not yet picked up a copy of The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup- do so now!

Reading the Wisdom of Menopause made so much clear to me.  Things that upset me in my relationships before, seemed intolerable now.  I became very aware of boundaries that had been crossed.  After reading this book my takeaway was that menopause does not have to be a horrible experience, but rather a rebirth of the person within.  It is a time to fix those things that are wrong or allow your inner soul to be buried.  This is why so many divorces happen at this stage of the life cycle.  Night after night I sat up googling about troubled marriages.  “How to live with someone that mistreats you,” or “how to live with a husband you cannot trust,” or “is my husband passive-aggressive?”  Over and over I read about the numerous marriages that fall apart at the  20 plus years mark.  I don’t have the stats but I was shocked.  But, it all made sense.  It is a turning point in life at which point we have a natural tendency to want to get our lives back on track!  I am quite certain men and women both go through it!

So, in my opinion, midlife is NOT a crisis… it is a turning point!  Some of us choose to go through the pain of “turning” and adjusting our path.  Our partners and spouses may or may not be able to do their own personal growth to be a part of that new path.  Others may bury their heads in the sand and trudge on.  That was something that I could not do.  So, I am on a very interesting adventure.  Join me as I share the day to day ins and outs of that with you.  Some days are brighter than others but finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some days, like today- the pain is so great I cannot even put pen to paper…But, I have learned to not judge my feelings and to be patient with my transition.  In doing so I realize I must mourn what I know I will never have -for some of the things that were most important to me are now clearly out of reach. But, others will become a reality.  For, life is very short and the greatest gift that we have is the joy within our own heart.